When you go from one child to two (or more!), it's a whole new ball game for everyone involved. Here's how to set your children up for sibling success.
What it is: One minute, they're happily hanging out together, the next they're at each other's throats. In the blink of an eye, family fun erupts into a sibling slugfest.
Why it happens: Whenever you have two or more kids, there's a chance for sibling rivalry. That's because your children are subconsciously competing for the same big prize — your love and attention.
What you need to know: There's no way to totally eliminate sibling rivalry, which is fortunate because it has positive benefits as well. For one thing, sibs learn how to resolve conflicts and practice social skills (like sharing the ketchup and taking turns on the computer) at an early age. In the meantime, there are things you can do to minimize hostilities and set the foundation for a lifetime of brotherly (or sisterly…or brotherly-sisterly) love.
What to do about it:
Show your love and appreciation for each child and his or her unique qualities. That means never comparing siblings to each other (positively or negatively), spending time alone with each child (maybe each gets a private afternoon with Mom once every couple of weeks), and, of course, avoiding any hint of favoritism.
Give each child space. Sure, they should spend time together, but siblings need time to be alone, alone with you, and alone with their own friends as well.
Don't expect the eldest to "know better." Constantly telling your older child to give in or share her toys will only increase her resentment. Instead, prevent skirmishes over possessions by helping your older child put her special stuff out of the younger one's reach and teaching a younger sib to ask permission to play with big sister's belongings. (Be patient with this one — it'll definitely take some time for these lessons to sink in.)
Listen without judging. When your child makes angry remarks about her sibling, let her vent. (So don't say, "You don't mean that!" At the moment, she probably does.) The point is to not make her feel guilty for emotions that are totally natural.
Don't step in right away when arguments erupt. Watch and wait to see if they work it out themselves.
Do, however, step in when things get physical. Make it clear that it's never okay to hit, bite, kick, or otherwise intentionally hurt the other person. Try to remain impartial and not get involved in the blame game. Instead, challenge your kids to come up with a solution ("How can we satisfy everyone?"). If they need a little nudge, suggest a compromise — then compliment them for giving it a try.
Likewise, find other opportunities to praise your children for sharing or playing well together ("Wow, look what you guys built — now that's teamwork!"). Don't wait until they fight to give them your attention.
Set a good example. Sure, you can talk about the right way to behave, but kids learn more from watching what you do. So treat them and your spouse with kindness and respect. When you do argue with your partner, avoid knock-down, name-calling, door-slamming free-for-alls (for your kid's sake — and your own!).
Play it safe with infants. Never leave a toddler alone with an infant sibling. Even the most loving tot can injure an infant with an overexuberant hug or rock of the cradle.
Insights for Parents:
Helping a Toddler or Preschooler Cope with Sibling Rivalry
One day after I moved into a new neighborhood a few years ago, a young child who lived down the block came over to say hello. Like so many exuberant preschoolers, he couldn't wait to tell me all about his world, spewing forth details about himself, his parents, and his new baby sister, Katy. When he paused to take a breath, I asked him how old he was.
"I'm five," he said with a smile that was quickly followed by a melodramatic sigh of apparent frustration. "But when Katy turns one, I'm going to be thirty-seven!"
In those few words he told me how overwhelming the experience of being an older sibling can feel to young children. To toddlers and preschoolers, the birth of a new baby is almost always an event filled with mixed emotions. They may take great pride in their new titles as older brothers and sisters. Yet those positive feelings are often overshadowed by worries about the changes in their roles within their families. Will they be replaced or abandoned? How much of their parents' attention and love will they now have to share?
Despite the importance of these concerns, young children seldom express them directly. But if you know how to listen to the messages behind their words and actions, you can see what's on their minds, even before the birth.
The daughter of two friends of mine expressed those strong but ambivalent feelings quite beautifully. The girl had begged her parents for a baby brother and, at first, was overjoyed when her mother became pregnant. But as her mother changed shape, and both her parents became more focused on the upcoming birth, the girl's attitude changed. One morning, when her father asked her what she wanted to do as a new big sister when they brought her brother home from the hospital, the girl replied, "I'm looking forward to holding him and hugging him until he turns blue!"
There was no true malice in her statement. It was simply an honest reflection of her conflicting feelings: simultaneously wanting to love him and to get rid of him. That's why it shouldn't surprise you if, a few days or weeks after you bring a new baby home, your other child asks when you're going to send him back. Many toddlers and preschoolers don't realize that the change is permanent.
Two of the most common signs of sibling rivalry among toddlers and preschoolers are emotional and physical regression. Young children may become more clingy than usual. A boy who's recently been toilet-trained may start wetting his pants. A girl who just stopped sucking her thumb may take up the habit again. This regression seldom lasts more than a few weeks or months until the children understand that their worst fears ("My parents will abandon me!") haven't been realized. They'll then surge ahead in their development and get back on track.
The age difference between the two children can also have an effect on how much regression and other behavior changes you see in the older child. On average, siblings in our culture are separated by two to four years. Yet those are the ages at which children are struggling to feel comfortable when separated from their parents. That's one of the reasons why toddlers and preschoolers tend to show more regression than older children do when a new baby is born into their family.
Toddlers and preschoolers also often have unrealistic expectations for their new brothers and sisters. They have little conception of how newborns behave, and may imagine that they'll quickly be playing house or riding tricycles together. They think of their new sibling as a playmate, not a baby.
Interestingly, children who have been attending preschool or a child-care center regularly may have an easier time adjusting to a new sibling than children who've been cared for at home. It's not simply a matter of children who are at home being used to depending on their parents for all their emotional support and adult attention. It's partly that children who are in preschool have a space and people that they don't have to share with the new baby.
Handling Early Sibling Rivalry
Always remember that the fundamental concern of toddlers and preschoolers in this situation is that they'll be abandoned by their parents—in essence, traded in for a newer and better model. This is a fear that parents need to address repeatedly, even if their children never broach the topic. Sometimes the best ways to reassure a child are symbolic rather than direct. For example:
If at all possible, don't have the new baby use the same crib as the older child, especially if the older one has recently transferred to a regular bed. You might try swapping cribs with someone in your birthing class who's in the same situation.) If that's too expensive a change to make and swapping isn't practical, buy different bedclothes for it so that it looks somewhat different.
Toddlers often attach a great deal of emotional importance to the blankets that comfort them at night. That's why "security blankets" are such a common transitional object. One way of letting your child know that she won't be replaced is to put her old blankets in her room and tell her that she can keep them for the rest of her life.
Put together a scrapbook about your older child and her family. This can have pictures of family members, the child's friends, and souvenirs of special family activities such as vacations and holiday celebrations. This reassures her about the links between her and her family, and gives her something to hold on to—both literally and figuratively—while her mother's in the hospital.
Get out your older child's baby book. Go over the pictures and talk about what she was like when she was born. Retell happy stories about her birth and her first trip home. Talk about how much she cried and when she slept and ate. This will allow her to revisit those feelings of being special and to prepare for what having a new baby in the house will be like.
Try to maintain your family's daily rituals during the pregnancy. Even small things, such as eating family meals at the same time, help children feel more secure because some important aspects of their lives are consistent during this time of dramatic change.
Coping with Toddler Sibling Rivalry
Parents should know what to look for to spot toddler sibling rivalry, because helping the older sibling deal with these feelings now helps create the foundation for a good lifelong relationship with the sibling. Toddlers have many mixed feelings during the introduction of siblings when a newborn is welcomed into the family. These feelings can be at the heart of toddler sibling rivalry. Toddlers are rarely able to express their conflicting feelings with words, so their behavior does it for them.
Causes of Sibling Rivalry
Anxiety
There is a lot of excitement and anticipation in the family when a new baby is expected, and even more when the baby arrives. Young kids can sense the adults’ excitement, and know something big is coming. There may be changes in the child’s routine too, perhaps moving to a toddler bed instead of a crib, changing rooms and lots of talk about what’s to come. Changes to routine and excitement can cause anxiety. Anxiety shows itself in many ways. Here are some possible signs of anxiety from changes:
sleeplessness
moodiness
anger
extra demands for attention
clinginess
regressive behavior such as bathroom accidents or baby talk
What can a parent do to ease anxiety? First, help the toddler express his feelings with words. Ask him if he has worries about the new baby that he’d like to talk about. Discuss feelings that he may be having, and give him attention. There are many good books that parents can read with their toddler that will help put these feelings into words. Being able to express the feelings and know that they are okay to have can help a toddler cope with them and move on. When the words take over, often the behaviors will stop or lessen in intensity.
Fear of Losing Love
The fear of losing parental love is especially common for first-born toddlers. These kids have had their parents’ undivided attention all their lives. Now the idea of sharing it, or having to give some up, is disturbing. Attention-getting behavior is common, as is clinginess. Parents can reassure their child that there will always be enough love for her. Tell her that she’ll always be important to you, and now she’s going to be important to someone else as well: her new sibling. Involve her in “big helper” activities, such as folding and putting away baby clothes or diapers, or making a welcome sign. When the new baby comes, have her get you things and always praise her for being there. Both before and after the baby comes, be sure to schedule one-on-one time with your toddler to give undivided attention and make sure she knows she is special too.
Resentment
Although your toddler will love the new baby, he may also resent the baby’s place in your life at the same time. The negative feeling of resentment can cause the toddler to feel guilty, making even more complex feelings to deal with. Always set boundaries and do your best to help your toddler talk it out. Let him know that it’s okay to feel angry, but that it’s not okay to hurt the baby and that anger should be expressed in words, no actions. Make sure that your toddler gets special attention and extra praise for positive behavior, which can help curb these feelings.
Confusion
Your toddler may not know how to be an older sibling. She may be shy or have unrealistic expectations about what the baby will be able to do. She may be expecting the baby to play with her or to be allowed to carry the baby around the house. Be sure to teach her how to be a big sister–ways to interact with the baby that are appropriate, and that will result in her getting those first smiles in a few weeks.
Suggest that she sing, read, talk to and show the baby things, rather than touching the baby or smothering the baby with kisses. Set boundaries for what is allowed and not allowed, such as holding the baby while supervised, or what is okay or not okay to give the baby. The more you can teach your toddler how to be a big sibling, the more she will grow into her role with pride.
Help with Sibling Rivalries
Managing a new baby and coping with a fussy toddler can be a serious challenge, but failing to meet the challenge can result in sibling rivalries that linger into adulthood.
During the first months that your new baby is home, she will need more attention than your toddler. Your toddler won’t understand why, only that all the attention is going to the baby. Take time to explain what’s happening, involve your toddler as much as possible and try to spend some quiet time together. Switching off baby care duties and toddler time with your partner will ensure that one parent isn’t seen as unavailable or uninterested.
Remember that this is an ongoing process. As your children grow, sibling rivalries can spring up any time that one child feels neglected. Confront these feelings head-on, listening to your child and being responsive to her needs. Remind your children that there’s no competition where your love is concerned, and you’ll help to build strong relationships between everyone in the family.